The Dark Side of the Dolla

If you follow me at all, you know I’ve done a couple of collaboration pieces with Jeff from Content Unrelated (namely The Stupid Question and Server Problems: Happy Hour and Impatience). He’s super funny, and we decided to switch some guest posts again! So here’s a nice little post from him, and if you think he’s funny check out the rest of his stuff!!


Money is alcohol you can’t drink.

What I mean is, like alcohol, money significantly magnifies one’s pre-existing attitudes and behaviors. Ever hear someone say, “I’m an angry drunk,” “I get crazy when I drink,” or, “I’m a fun, laid-back drunk”?

Chances are, those people are already either pissed off, batshit crazy, or mellow for most of the rest of their day-to-day lives.

If I had a bunch of money, I’d be so relaxed I’d end up in a coma.

Not these people. Allegedly.

Not Tim Lambesis. Allegedly.

For those of you who don’t know, Tim Lambesis is (was?) the lead vocalist of heavy metal face-melters As I Lay Dying, easily one of my favorite bands. Having just released their sixth studio album Awakened, AILD had a really huge summer tour lined up. Probably their biggest one yet.

And then, earlier this year, Lambesis got his ass arrested for (allegedly) soliciting an undercover cop to murder his estranged wife.

That’s not very metal, Tim.

Lambesis wasn’t only lead vocalist and co-founder of a successful metal band, he also provided vocals for satire metal act Austrian Death Machine, a band dedicated to the ever-awesome former Governator himself, Ah-nold Schwarzenegger. He also had a side project, Pyrithion, which was the source of one awesome death metal song, and a hilariously inappropriate YouTube comment.


And when we have Aaron Hernandez. Unlike Lambesis, he actually did the job himself(allegedly), and then got caught by doing everything he could to not get caught in the absolute worst ways possible.

In 2012, Hernandez, the 23-year-old once-tight end (that wasn’t a prison joke, but it can be if you want) for the New England Patriots earned a 12.5 million dollar signing bonus on top of the five-year extension he’d gotten with his contract.

At 23 years old, this guy made more money by signing his goddamn name than I’ll ever see in my entire life. If I were that age and I’d just earned that kind of money, this would be on my list of things to do:

  • 1. Buy an awesome house.
  • 2. Buy a sweet ride.
  • 3. Bitches.

This was Aaron’s list:

  • 1. Buy an awesome house.
  • 2. Buy a sweet ride.
  • 3. Bitches.
  • 4. Shoot someone in the fucking face. Allegedly.

As it turns out, it seems Hernandez is as much of a shitty criminal (allegedly) as he is (again, was) a good football player. Destroying cell phones and your home surveillance system? Wrapping a shell casing matching a bullet at the crime scene in a piece of gumyou were chewing? Really, dude?

Way to throw away a chance to make more money than probably 90 percent of the world in one NFL season. Allegedly.


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