I had originally intended on doing one for Mother’s Day, but a) my Mother’s Day wasn’t that bad and b) it would have just turned into a rant instead of a conversation the way these have been going. People have seemed to enjoy them so far, so I decided to do one on parties in general. Also, a new Skillet song dropped today, so I’m having a harder time being angry at things.
One last thing, I’ve heard from a few people about becoming involved in this and giving me stories and what they’re really thinking. I’m down. My college project was focusing on how workers were mistreated, so I’m so down to make this turn into a weird sense of community and world understanding of what anyone goes through. So far I’ve heard from some hosts from my restaurant, some people from Costco, Target, etc…So hit me up if you’re interested!
Whether you’re in them or you’ve seen them, large parties are a common, every day occurrence amongst the restaurant business. Loud. Boisterous. Needy. Crawling with requests. A server’s worst nightmare is a high maintenance party who takes away their opportunity to make money from any other table. Yet the fake smile remains the same as the server greets and serves the hellish party. But behind the poster-child smile is a ring of hateful thoughts that would make grandma and grandpa cringe.
Side note: The following is only a party of ten. Much larger parties also result in much more required maintenance, but a ten top does the trick just fine. Server Brain and Server Says occur simultaneously.
Server Says: “Hello, how are we doing tonight? My name is Server and I’ll be taking care of you guys this evening.”
Party: “Hi, how are you?”
Server Says: “Good, good, so can I get you guys started with something to drink?”
Every person in the party orders a water.
Server Brain: “Oh, right, you all want water because you already know your bill is going to be huge, and you have to subtract two dollars from each person, because you probably don’t want to tip. Awesome.”
Server Says: “Ok, guys, I’ll be right back with those for you.”
Server Brain: “M^therfucking ten waters my f*cking ass.”
The server returns with the waters and disperses them accordingly.
Server Says: “All right, are we all set to order or would you still like a few more minutes on the menu?”
Guest One: “I think we’re all ready. Are you guys ready?”
The rest of the party ignores him and continues talking.
Server Brain: “It’s ok. Continue your conversation, I’ll just stand here and stare at you until you’re ready to stop being a douchebag.”
Guest One: “Well, I’m ready. They’ll have to deal with it if they’re not.”
The server spends the next five minutes taking everyone’s order, answering various annoying questions (see What Your Server Is Really Thinking for more details) and by the time they have finished, everyone’s water is empty.
Server Brain: “And I’ll be sure to slave away at your water refills because you won’t remember this anyway. You’d be mad and not tip if I didn’t give you refills, but you’ll ignore the fact I was on top of them when it’s time for the bill to come.”
The server brings back ten more waters, as well as some bread to hold the table over.
Guest Two: “Excuse me, I don’t like sourdough, are there any other bread choices you have?”
Server Brain: “No, foocker. Beggars can’t be choosers and you’re not paying for this sh!t anyway so shut the f*ck up and suck it up.”
Server Says: “I’m sorry, but sourdough is the only bread we offer here.”
After the guest rolls their eyes in disgust, the server notices four more people have already drained their water glasses in that small interaction.
Guest Three: “Sorry, I’m just really thirsty.”
Server Brain: “Well, coming to a restaurant in an obnoxious party of ten is not the place to come and hydrate yourself. You should’ve stopped and gotten a Gatorade before you came in.”
Server Says: “Oh, don’t worry, it’s all good.”
The server returns with the four waters, only to see the rest of the party has finished theirs. After getting those refills, the server brings back a water pitcher so the guests can handle their own refills. The pitcher is gone before it reaches the end of the table, and the server is forced, yet again, to get ten more waters.
Server Brain: “M^therf*cking @$$h0les. What the f*ck. You act like you’re never going to drink water ever again. F*cking f00ck go home and drink your own m^therf*cking water. F*ck.”
Fifteen minutes later, the food isn’t up yet.
Guest One: “Excuse me, how much longer for our food?”
Server Brain: “When was the last time you cooked ten meals at one time? Probably take you four days because you’re so stupid.”
Server Says: “It should be ready in a few minutes.”
Guest Four: “Finally, I’m so hungry.”
Guest Five: “What’s taking so long?”
Server Brain: “You idiot, I just told you it would be ready in a few minutes. Don’t order four 12 ounce steaks well done, it might not take as long for your food to come out.”
Server Says: “Just a few more minutes.”
The expeditor is busy traying up the food for the party, and a few other servers have begun to take food out. As the server heads back into the kitchen, they notice some of the food being brought to the table.
Additional Server Says: “All right, I have a pasta.”
Blank looks from the party.
Additional Server Says: “Pasta? Anyone?”
Additional Server Says: (Begins to shout) “Did anyone order a pasta?”
Guest Six: (Snaps out of a trance) “Oh! I did! Thank you!”
Additional Server Brain Says: “Dumb@$$. I just shouted that I had a pasta three times. What the f*ck, people? It’s only been like twenty minutes, how did you already forget what you ordered?”
The additional server rolls their eyes and walks back to the kitchen, muttering under their breath about dumb parties. The server brings out the rest of the food.
Server Says: “Ok, I have the salad with no tomatoes here.”
Guest Two: “That’s me.”
Server Says: “And the salad with tomatoes here.”
Guest Three: “And that’s me.”
After all the food is dispersed, the server takes a quick look around for more refills.
Server Says: “All right, is there anything else I can get for you?”
Server Brain: “Not that I really care because I hate you anyway.”
Guest One: “No, that will be all.”
Server Says: “All right guys, enjoy your meal!”
A few minutes later, the server comes back to check on the party.
Server Says: “How’s everyone doing over here?”
Guest Three: “Um, I’m sorry, but I asked for no tomatoes in my salad, and there are tomatoes in here and I’m highly allergic.”
Guest Two: “Mine doesn’t have tomatoes either, but I wanted them.”
Server Brain: “Are you f00cking kidding me? First of all, you two are sittingright f*cking next to each other with the exact same f*cking salad. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you should just f*&^%#g SWITCH PLATES?! Second of all, the both of you heard me when I came to drop the food. I announced I had one with no tomatoes and one with tomatoes and you both took the plates accordingly. You f*cking f*cks. F^ck you f^cking @$$hole f*ck f*ck F^@K!”
Server Says: “I’m sorry. I’ll take those right back for you and have the cooks fix them.”
Guest Three: “Just bring us new ones, but leave these ones here.”
Server Brain: “Oh, how about no? Because then you’d get two meals for the price of one.”
Server Says: “I’m sorry, but our cooks won’t re-make food unless they can see what the problem is.”
Guest Two: “Well, I don’t want to wait another half an hour for my food to come out. It’s not our fault it came out wrong –”
Server Brain: “Yes it is.”
Guest Two: “–and we don’t want to watch everyone else eat while we wait.”
Server Brain: “I don’t care.”
Server Says: “I assure you it will only take a few minutes to fix your salads. We put incorrect food at the top of the line to ensure our guest’s happiness.”
The guests grudgingly give the plates up. The server goes back to the kitchen, spruces the salads up a bit, and switches them to give them to the proper people. (It’s not messing the food up, it’s only giving them what they actually ordered since they were too stupid to figure it out themselves.)
The server returns and puts the plates back in front of the guests.
Guest Two: “That was fast.”
Guest Three: “A little too fast.”
Guest Two: “I think this is the same exact salad, that leaf looks familiar.”
Server Brain: “You’ve got to be f*cking joking me. ‘The leaf looks familiar’? What kind of idiot logic is that? All salad ‘looks the same.’ And besides, youwanted it fast, so I gave it to you fast (that’s what she said). Just because it is the same salad, doesn’t mean you need to complain about it.”
Server Says: “Oh, no, someone else just ordered the exact same thing, so the expeditor told me to take out yours while she had the cooks remake someone else’s.”
Guest Three: “Oh, well that was nice of you!”
Guest Two: “We really appreciate that!”
Server Says: “Anything else I can get for you?”
Guest Seven: “Can I get a side of ranch?”
Server Says: “Absolutely. Anyone else?”
When there is no response, the server goes to grab the ranch. When they return…
Guest Eight: “I’m sorry, can I get a side of ranch as well?”
Server Brain: “B!tch.”
Server Says: “Absolutely.”
When the server returns with that side of ranch…
Guest Nine: “I’m sorry to keep you running, but can I get some barbeque sauce?”
Guest Seven: “And another ranch?”
Server Brain: “You f*ckers. Why couldn’t you all ask for this sh!t at the same motherf*cking time?”
After the server has brought out all various sides, refills, napkins, and everything else the party asks for, they begin to pre-bus the table to clear some room.
Server Says: “Any dessert for you guys over here?”
Guest Ten: “No, I think that will be all.”
Guest Eight: “Oh, and by the way, these are all going to be separate.”
Server Brain: “Of course they f*cking are. I don’t know why you couldn’t tell me that at the beginning of the party. That would have been too f00cking easy. And of course you’re all lazy and cruel and can’t f#cking figure out what you owe if I just dropped one bill anyway.”
After the server spends the next five to ten minutes splitting everyone’s check, they go to drop the checks accordingly on the table.
Guest One: “I’m sorry, but I think we did actually decide on some dessert.”
Server Brain: “Don’t clench your fist and punch this man…. Don’t clench your fist and punch this man…”
Server Says: “All right, and what can I get for you?”
Guest Two: “It’s his birthday, do we get some sort of free dessert?”
Server Brain: “Oh, and now we have a birthday? That’s funny, when did you decide it was a good time to let me know? Oh. Right. When it was time for dessert and you just didn’t want to f^cking pay for it.”
Server Says: “Oh, sure. I’ll go put that right in for you.”
When the dessert is ready and the server has gone through the painstaking process of finding people to birthday sing, they go out to sing the song and give the guest an “enjoyable experience.” As the server puts the dessert in front of the guest, they act surprised.
Guest One: “Oh, my goodness! You guys didn’t! No way! When did you tell them?!”
Server Brain: “About five seconds ago, right in front of your fat face. Jerk off.”
After the dessert is finished, it is taken off the bill and checks are given back out.
Guest Four: “What took you so long?”
Server Brain: “I had to split ten motherf*cking checks, all modifications to your stupid meal included.”
Server Says: “Sorry about that, the computers were all being used.”
Guest Seven: “I’m going to pay for Guest One’s bill because it’s his birthday.”
Guest Ten: “And I’m going to pay for Guest Two and Three because they didn’t enjoy their meals and don’t feel like paying for them.”
Server Brain: “And of course, you couldn’t let me know this before I split your check for you. Twice.”
Server Says: “Absolutely. I’ll be right back with these for you.”
They drop the payment back at the table.
Server Says: “All right folks, thank you all for coming! Have a good night! And happy birthday!”
Server Brain: “I hope the cake gives you food poisoning.”
After they leave, the server notices they have barely left the suggested tip, someone has knocked over the salts and peppers, and someone threw their silverware underneath the table for the server to clean up.
Server Brain: “I hope for your sake we never meet in the streets.”