I came across something I had written back in my Chili’s days, and I feel like it’s something that still applies to my daily life, so here it is folks.
Everyone has eaten at a restaurant at least once in their entire life. You know the drill — enter the doors, get seated by a host, get served by a slave, pay your bill and go. There are a handful of people who are nothing but respectful when they come in. Full of smiles, pleases, thank yous, and tips. The grand majority, however (especially in lower-end, corporate restaurants) are rude nitwits who think they own the world. The handful of respectful people are usually caught in the intersection of a conflict between a numbskull and a server. They oftentimes wonder how the server can possibly put up with such rudeness with a smile on their face.
I always say it’s funny how your brain can say one thing while your mouth automatically says another.
Dealing with idiocy in the restaurant business is like taking a dump: it happens daily and it’s always offensive.
For those of you who wonder how a server puts up with such imbeciles, or if you are an imbecile thinking your server is being honest when they smile at you and tell you they’ll get that “right away,” I am here to tell you the conversation that is more than likely occurring inside the server’s head.
Due to the potential graphic nature of a server’s brain (potential — ha. The actual graphic nature), get used to a lot of #@$! in order to make this more — uh — user friendly.
Host: “I sat table 29. I’m sorry. I tried to put them at 47, but they didn’t want to be next to a window so I had to move them.”
Server Brain: “Great. I already have to deal with a high maintenance @sshole and I haven’t even said hello to them. What the f*ck. F*ck!ng @ssholes, who cares where the f^ck you sit? You’re here to eat and that’s that. Get your fat f*ck%ng face out of my restaurant and go eat at home if you want to be picky about where you’re sat.”
The server walks to the table with the biggest fake smile known to man, and begins. The entire conversation between “Server Says” and “Server Brain” happens simultaneously.
Server Says: “Hello there! How we doing tonight? My name is –”
Man Guest: “Diet Coke.”
Server Brain: “Oh, your name is Diet Coke? That’s pretty cool. It’s kind of awesome I wasn’t done talking yet and haven’t been given the opportunity to state my name, but I get it. The guest always comes first, the customer is always right, and it’s clear you don’t give two sh!ts what my name is. So why should I care what you want to drink? B!tc#.”
Server Says: “All right, sir, and for you, miss?”
Woman Guest: “Water with extra lemon.”
Server Brain: “I. F*ck!ng. Hate. Water. With. Lemon. First of all, you cheap @ssh0le, our water comes from our sewage so I hope it poisons your insides. Second of all, why do you want extra lemon? Gonna take that sugar caddy over there, put all the sugar in your water and make your own lemonade? Then ask me for more sugar because you know it’ll be free? Cheap @ss.”
Server Says: “Absolutely. I will return momentarily with that for you.”
As the server begins to walk away, they make it no more than two feet before the Man Guest all of a sudden has something else they want to say.
Man Guest: “Can we order our appetizers?”
Server Says: “Absolutely. What can I get for ya?”
Man Guest: “What is this Northeastern spring roll? What is that? What’s in it?”
Server Brain: “Well, sir, there is a full description of the food item listed right beneath the picture, but I did forget you don’t know how to read. Allow me to dumb myself down and read it to you.”
Server Says: “Oh, that’s just our version of a spring roll deep fried in our frier.”
Woman Guest: “Oh, that sounds nice.”
Man Guest: “What about the Jalapeno (pronounced “Juh-lap-en-oh”) Poppers with Onion Rings?”
Server Brain: “You can’t even pronounce Jalapeno correctly. Ay yai what a f00cking moron.”
Server Says: “Onion rings and fried jalapenos.”
Man Guest: “Hmm… Give me a minute to decide, I want my drink first.”
Server Brain: “Motherf*cker why did you tell me you wanted to order an appetizer if you just wanted to wait for a minute until you got your drinks? You stupid @sshole.”
The server returns with the drinks while the man leans back as if he’s in his own rocking chair, making himself look right at home.
Server Says: “Here you are. Would you guys still like a few minutes on the menu?”
Woman Guest: “Do you have any deals or specials?”
Server Brain: “I don’t know, did the host tell you there were some? Oh, right, she showed you our new menu items!”
Server Says: “Not necessarily, but we do have the dinner for $10.”
Server Brain: “Which I f^ck!ng hate because you get a ridiculous amount of food and tip jack sh!t off of it.”
Woman Guest: “Oh, where is that?”
Server Brain: “You’re looking directly at it. Have you even looked through the menu, or are you just pretending to know how to read because you don’t want me to think you’re an idiot? Well, news for you, you’re an idiot.”
Server Says: “Oh, it’s just right here, ma’am.”
Woman Guest: “Oh, lovely. So what is this all about?”
Server Brain: “You mean you don’t see the commercials or notice how it’s listed in the menu for you? One appetizer. Two entrees. $10.”
Server Says: “Oh, you just choose one of the appetizers listed and then two entrees.”
Woman Guest: “Oh. And what are the choices for the appetizers?”
Server Brain: “You insolent little cretin, it is listed right in front of your stupid pasty face. Why don’t you actually look down you dumbass?”
Server Says: “Those are listed for you right here, ma’am.”
Woman Guest: “Do you want to do that, honey?”
Man Guest: “I don’t care, tootsie pop, pick whatever you’d like.”
Woman Guest: “Well, do you see anything that looks good on there?”
Man Guest: “I don’t know, I haven’t had the chance to look yet.”
Woman Guest: “Well, would you still like an appetizer?”
Server Says: “Want me to come back in a few minutes?”
Man Guest: “No, no, I do want an appetizer. Which is your favorite from that 10 dollar thingy?”
Server Says: “Well, the unlimited breadsticks are very popular, and you also have the option of getting a one-time round of soup or salad with it. Otherwise I enjoy the Jalapeno Onion Rings.”
Man Guest: “Wanna just get the french fry basket?”
Server Brain: “Why f^ck!ng ask what I like if you’re not even going to listen to me?”
Woman Guest: “Maybe the breadsticks?”
Server Brain: “I f*cking hate f^cking unlimited breadsticks. F*ck and these stupid fattys are going to eat all of them by the time I even leave the table anyway so I’m going to have to bring them like 50 because they’re cheap asses.”
Man Guest: “Yeah, that sounds good. Let’s get the breadsticks.”
Server Says: “Awesome, I will return in just a moment with those for you!”
The server walks away to get the rude guests some breadsticks. The entire time, smack talk is being spoken under their breath, and their colleagues question nothing because they are too busy doing the same thing themselves.
The server returns to the table, seeing that in the meantime the host has given them two more tables to attend to.
Server Brain: “F*ck my sh!t.”
Server Says: “Here we are. Are you all set to order?”
Woman Guest: “Yes.”
Server Says: “Perfect. What can I get for you?”
Woman Guest: “What is the difference between the crispy fries and the regular fries?”
Server Brain: “F*ck!ng kidding me? What the f#ck do you think the difference is you dumb b%tch? One is crispy. One is not. It’s as simple as black and white, or have you forgotten how to differentiate those colors as well?”
Server Says: “Oh, just one is crispier than the other because it’s fried longer.”
Woman Guest: “Oh, I see. And how about the steak? Is that relatively big?”
Server Brain: “First of all, the size of the steak is listed in the menu. We have a 4 oz, a 6 oz, and a 10 oz. Second of all, b#tch, you said you were ready to order, not ask a thousand more questions.”
Server Says: “Well, it would depend on which size you were looking for, but the 4 oz is the one we offer for the $10 meal you’ve already started.”
Woman Guest: “Oh, I see, I see. What do you want, baby?”
Man Guest: “Oh I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”
Server Says: “Want me to come back in a few minutes?”
Woman Guest: “Oh, no, I’m ready.”
Man Guest: “Just take her order and I’ll be done by the time she is.”
Woman Guest: “I want the steak with crispy fries.”
Server Brain: “And I want a blowjob with a happy ending.”
Server Says: “And how would you like that cooked?”
Woman Guest: “Medium. But no pink.”
Server Brain: “Also known as ‘well done’, but okay.”
Server Says: “All right, and for you sir?”
Man Guest: “Oh, is she finished already?”
Server Brain: “Yes, you idiot, because she said she was ready to order, meaning she knew what the f^ck she wanted. Don’t mind me, though, I’m sure you think you’re the only table I’m serving right now. I’ll ignore the glares of hatred penetrating my back from the tables I’m forced to ignore because of you.”
Man Guest: “What’s better between the salad and the chicken?”
Server Brain: “This road again?”
Server Says: “I say the chicken.”
Man Guest: “Then I say the salad.”
Server Brain: “Of course you f*ck!ng do you f^cking raging moron. Dumb f^ck!ng @sshole f*ckhead.”
Server Says: “All righty, I will go and put that right in for you.”
Of course, the server was correct about the woman making her own lemonade, and as they leave to go put the order in, she stops the server to make another request.
Woman Guest: “Oh, before you go, can I get some more lemon when you get a chance? And some more sugar?”
Server Brain: “Absolutely, I’ll get the chance as soon as I finish pulling my fist out of your stupid face.”
Server Says: “Absolutely, I’ll go get that right now for you!”
As the server returns to the table, the man has finished his Diet Coke. The server runs to grab another one, and when they return the woman has finished her make-shift lemonade. This continues for another three trips.
Server Brain: “You m0therf*ck!ng @ssholes. Finish your drinks at the same time or you’re going to go f^ck!ng thirsty because I don’t have time to f*cking do this.”
Woman Guest: “Excuse me, can we get more bread?”
Server Says: “Absolutely, give me just one more minute.”
Luckily for the server, the two tables they have been ignoring are neither rude nor angry, but understanding at what the server must go through. Such a breath of fresh air.
The server handles the drinks and the orders at a quick pace with the other two tables before returning with more bread for the @ssholes.
Man Guest: (As an attempt of whispering) “Took you long enough.”
Server Says: “Sorry, sir, I was taking another order.”
Man Guest: (All of a sudden excruciatingly happy) “Oh, no! I didn’t mean it like that! I’m sorry, it must have come out wrong.”
Server Brain: “I hope when you die your soul reincarnates into an ant.”
The server brings the food to the table when it’s ready. It’s a busy night, and the food has taken longer than expected.
Server Says: “All right, here we go. Sorry about the wait, folks!”
Server Brain: “Ok, completely ignore the fact I am speaking directly to you, it’s no big deal. I forgot I’m obsolete.”
The woman takes a good, long look at her steak.
Woman Guest: “That’s it?”
Server Brain: “Judging by the looks of your husband, a 4 oz slab of meat should be relatively big for you at the moment, b!tch.”
Server Says: “Yeah, it’s not as big as the other ones, but it’s the only one we offer under the deal.”
Server Brain: “The ridiculously cheap deal we offer to people who think they’re rolling in money like you do, but really have to save up to purchase a happy meal from McDonald’s.”
The woman raises her eyebrows in disgust, and it is clear she is physically biting her tongue to refrain from saying something against the food.
Server Brain: “Exactly. Shut the f^ck up. Because this is not only what you get for being cheap, but you know I don’t give a f*ck if your steak is wrong, and b!tch you know I’ll spit in that sh*t if you send it back.”
Server Says: “Would you like any steak sauce?”
Woman Guest: “No, that will be all, thank you.”
They finish up their dinner in silence, rarely needing anything more from the server. When the server offers them dessert and they decline, the check is dropped.
Server Says: “And I’ll be your cashier whenever you’re ready.”
Moments later, the man is at the front trying to pay the host.
Server Brain: “You idiot, I just told you I would be your cashier. And do you see a cash register at the front of the place? This isn’t Coco’s or Denny’s, we do it at the table.”
Server Says: “Here, I’ll take that for you.”
Man Guest: “It’s all you.”
The bill comes to $15.07. The man hands the server $15.25
Server Brain: “Thanks @sshole. I hope your wife gets the sh!ts from our water and I hope you’re up peeing all night from the Diet Coke consumption.”
Server Says: “Thank you! Have a great night, okay?”
Again, I apologize (mostly to my parents who are going to complain) about the graphicness of this post, but rethink being rude to your server if you want to avoid this inward battle.