It’s time to let the world know what it’s like to be a giant.
I don’t understand why everyone is always fawning over tall people. Girls, take note of this (especially you…erm…frisky ones) — tall men are not valid substitutions for stripper poles. Friction burns.
I feel like a lot of people don’t understand what it’s like to be tall, for real. They just use us to grab things from shelves. Use us to look for someone in a crowd if they need it. Use us use us use us.
And I hate it.
People always ask me why I hate being six foot five. Well, I’ll tell you a few reasons —
I Can Never Hide
This is only useful at concerts or other shows where you want to be noticed, because you definitely stick out from the crowd when everyone hits your waist. Other than that, it’s annoying. At work, I can’t get away with anything because they can see me walking wherever I go. I have to fold in half and do some crazy Chinese contortionist moves to hide from someone if I’m in a crowd. Seriously if I duck, I take someone out with my legs. Yet somehow, I always sneak up on people…I can’t tell you how many times I walk casually up to someone and scare them because they didn’t see me. Am I just that tall that I go unnoticed because people don’t view me as a human being? Or am I just that much of a…Yeah, ok, I’m that much of a ninja.
I Have Bad Peripherals
If you’re under five foot three and you stand right next to me, I can’t see you. (Ninjas, take note.)
If you’re laughing at this and you know me or you know someone who’s tall and you’re thinking you’re going to be funny and try to scare them, be careful — if they can’t see you, they can’t be blamed for taking you out. I’ve run over so many people just because I didn’t know they were there it’s out of control. I get more ab workouts helping pick people off the floor than I do at the gym (now you know why my physique is so on point.)
Also, on a serious note, parents watch your kids. Honest to God I almost walk over so many kids whose parents aren’t paying attention and then they get mad at me or someone else gets mad at me, yada yada. I know I don’t like kids, but I’m not trying to bulldoze all of them (on purpose). I legitimately cannot see them. So don’t blame me for your bad parenting. Seriously.
People Like to Tell Me
This annoys me. If you’ve ever heard a big-chested girl talk about how much she hates it when people notice her boobs, think of us tall people. I hate it when people comment on my height. I really do.
“Oh, wow, you’re so tall ha ha ha wow how tall are you?”
That doesn’t seem like it’s that bad to you, especially written down. But it’s the way it’s said. Like I don’t know.
Thank you for allowing me to know I’m so much taller than you. I wasn’t aware I tower over everyone like Barad-dûr (Lord of the Rings reference if I lost you) watching my minions all work for me.
Really, though, if I had an army, they would never get away with anything. I see all….
“Don’t hit your head.”
Thank you. Sorry, I forgot being this tall meant my eyes didn’t work. It’s not like I haven’t had this handicap for a while. I notice ledges and low ceilings. That’s why I slouch all the time.
This one is, honestly, just one of those self-conscious issues that I have with myself. I hate how tall I am, but I can’t expect everyone in the world to know that.
Well, now you do.
People Always Assume You Play Basketball
Not that I’m hating on basketball right now, but there are other sports in the world too. Not everyone over the height of six foot two was a basketball player. (I was a swimmer, by the way. And every time I tell someone that I get told I look like Michael Phelps. And then they laugh because they think they’re so clever. It wasn’t funny when the swim team came up with it when I was 15, and it isn’t funny now. Stop asking me where my gold medals are.)
People Don’t Understand My Back Problems
This one is relatively miniscule, and currently only kind of applies to my current job. The tables at the restaurant I work hit me at my (not to be vulgar, just to be real) crotch area. So basically every time I go up to a table, I’m glad I have an apron so no one gets to see my goods. If I didn’t have that apron I’d have to be like “Heeeyyy” and get really uncomfortable and people would stare and it would just be out of control. So when the end of the night comes and I have to clean these tables, that’s how far I have to bend over to do so. That’s not so bad, except standing in that position for a long time starts to hurt your lower back because gravity works and I’m not allowed to sit down. It hurts. I have to do monthly chiropractic/physical therapy visits and all that because it’s so incredibly easy for my back to get hurt. My spine is almost 3 feet long. Bending that at almost a 90 degree angle for twenty minutes hurts. Let me siiiiit.
I Get Made Fun of For Being Scared of Heights
“You’re so tall, how can you be scared of heights?”
Because the ground is a lot further away for me than it is for you. Savvy? A ten foot drop to you is a twelve foot-looking drop to me. That two feet can do a lot of damage. Shush.
I Have to Look Good
This one is probably going to sound really whiny, and I’m sorry, but it’s true. If I have a bad hair day, or I wear something that’s out of control, or this or that…Everyone notices. I can’t blend in. If I want to go to the store in my pajamas, everyone looks at me funny. I’ve never seen anyone else get a weird look for dressing in sweats or pajamas. Because they just blend in with the crowd. Keep their head down and move forward and no one looks at them twice.
I can’t do that.
I know some of you are going to sarcastically think, “Oh poor you,” and that’s fine. May your next meal bring you diarrhea. I’d tell you to walk in my shoes before you talk back to me, but you wouldn’t fit.
Some Food For Thought…
Just some last musings to leave you with before I close this self-pitying rant…
- My legs are the size of a Hobbit. Or the length, I guess, they’re not as fat as a Hobbit.
- Gravity works. If you see me working in a restaurant and I have a drink tray, watch how carefully I have to place the glasses on the table that hits my crotch. Physics is against tall servers, I swear. I have to place the glass on the side of the table and slide it depending on the size of the glass and the location of the customer or else the glasses fall over. (The top heavy ones, especially, can gracefully exit out of my life.)
- If you drop something, it’s not cool to ask me to pick it up for you.
- If you have a two door car, it’s not cool to ask me to sit in the back. You can think I’m being selfish all you want, I don’t think it’s fair to ask me to fold myself in half just so someone else can have the front. You’re more likely to die in the front seat than in the back, so put me in the line of fire.
- Sometimes I don’t fit in showers.
- Shopping for clothes is a nightmare.
- Even though I’ve already mentioned it, I’m aware that I’m tall. I’m aware that I’m taller than most people. Go. Away.