If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you’ll know who Katie is. No, she’s not the demon-possessed girl from the never-ending cycle of the Paranormal Activity movies (although sometimes I wonder.) She’s been one of my best friends since we were five. If you don’t know who she is, here’s a reminder:
Long story short about this one before I get to the whole point of this story: We met in kindergarten. She moved to Oregon with her dad when we were 12. We still talked and saw each other every once in a while. Her dad met up with his middle school sweetheart who just so happened to live in Monterey. She came to visit me and her dad with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend tried to kill us. She moved down here with her dad.
We were still reeling from the disaster that was the night we almost died (I really wasn’t kidding when I said that), and I decided to take her to one of my favorite burrito joints, Papa Chano’s.
If you’re a friend of mine who lives in this area, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re not, I don’t think you understand the amount of crazy here. There’s crazy people everywhere, I’m not going to lie. I’m not trying to say ours are any better or any worse than anyone else’s, but I’ve come across some really weird people here.
Back to the story.
We bought our burritos and sat down, and I instantly shot into Dr. Drew mode. I like to give advice. I like to hear everyone’s problems and help them work through it. (But only the people I like and care about. I’d go crazy myself if I had to deal with people’s problems all the time. I don’t do therapy because I feel bad for therapists. True story.) We were keeping our voices low because I don’t like people being in my business when I’m in public, and Katie interrupts me to say, “Did Lil Jon just walk up in here?”
My heart skipped a beat. Lil’ Jon? What? He’s real?
As I turned around to see what she was talking about, I was taken aback as I saw someone who looked exactly like Lil’ Jon walk in. Same baggy-ass pants. Same “swag.” Even down to the teeth this guy looked like Lil’ Jon. And he had a posse. A big bouncer guy, and a couple of body guards that walked around him at all times. It turns out this guy was not Lil’ Jon, but they were all living in a fantasy world where they run this town. Whatever you want to say to make you feel better.
The plus side of Lil’ Wannabe coming in was it took our topic off of the crazy boyfriend. That was a draining situation, it was nice to be able to laugh. Our laughing was a little louder than our speaking voices, and before long my ears were greeted with, “Listen motherf**ker, I don’t know who you think you are but you need to shut the f*ck up and mind your own business.”
I thought Lil’ Jon’s posse was coming to kill us for laughing at them. As I turned around, I noticed that it was not, in fact, Lil’ Jon. Or his posse. It was a woman. Sitting by herself. Talking to a column.
“I don’t care!” she continued after a pause. “There’s no reason for you to speak to me like that. In all my life I would never disrespect you.”
I shot a look at Katie and she raised an eyebrow.
“Is she being for real right now?” she whispered.
“I don’t know,” I said through a choke of laughter. I didn’t want to attract any attention from this woman. If she was cray enough to yell at a pole I didn’t want to know what she would do if she caught me making fun of her.
We quieted down and she continued to yell. She had one vein popping out of her forehead, one popping out of her neck, eyes bulging to the point of popping out of her skull, and pointing her finger viciously. (And I’ve watched enough Mob Wives to know that the finger means business.)
“I have been through enough bullsh*t in my life to deal with this attitude from you! How dare you speak to me like that! I’ve done nothing but respect and love you and this is what I get in return? I don’t care if you’re Russian or you’re German I would never speak to you the way you’re speaking to me.”
I would like to reiterate this is being told to a pole.
It was just us, the posse, and this woman sitting in this little burrito shop. Perhaps that amplified her anger, but one way or the other she became the center of attention for the restaurant. There was no way she could go unheard. It didn’t seem like she wanted to, either. She wanted everyone to know that this column did her dirty and she was going to give it a piece of her mind and use her anger to make sure that pole never felt love from anyone else again.
Lil’ Jon and Co. finished ordering up their burritos during this time, and Lil’ Jon went to the bathroom (and of course, one of his posse members followed him and stood outside the door to make sure he could pee alone. I’m being real.)
The rest of the crew sat right behind us. And right next to the table with the crazy woman.
The woman started angrily fumbling with her food and shaking her head. Tears started to roll. That pole must have been letting her know how it felt, and it must have hurt. She started to whisper, and as the whispers got louder we realized she was speaking in tongues (or her version of it, anyway.) Perhaps she was the demon from Paranormal Activity. Good gracious, woman, take it easy.
As Lil’ Jon came back to the table, one of his posse men stepped up.
“Hey,” he said to the woman.
She glared at him. “What?”
“You’re really pretty.”
If this was caught on film, I would love to see the kind of awkward music they played when he said that. Followed by focusing on my reaction, Katie’s reaction, and, best off all, the woman’s reaction.
The veins went away. The eyes settled back. She loosened up and became way less tense.
“Really?” she whispered.
“Yeah,” he said. “You have really nice teeth.”
“Oh, I know. I had braces when I was younger.”
She quickly forgot about her breakup with the pole and rebounded quick. It was becoming too much for us, so Katie and I decided to leave. I don’t know how it ended with Lil’ Jon and the crazy woman, but that’s one thing I can cross off my bucket list:
That awkward moment when a bodyguard from a wannabe Lil’ Jon picks up a crazy woman screaming at a pole. And succeeds.
Welcome to Monterey, Katie.