I don’t understand why breakups have to hurt so much.
Love is supposed to be forever. I don’t understand why people let themselves fall so deeply for someone, only to end up getting hurt in the end. I have had a lot of discussion with friends, and have been through some situations myself, and I don’t understand why they all have to suck so bad. When you’re a child, you always envision yourself ending up with somebody who you think you can spend the rest of your life with. Adele knows what’s up. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. Kelly Clarkson knows what’s up. Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.
In talking with friends, and going through my own experiences, I have come up with things you should never do in a breakup. Obviously, if you’re the one getting dumped, you should take it with as much grace and dignity as you possibly can. You don’t want the whole world to think you’re crazy for getting hurt. What I don’t understand, however, is everybody knows what it’s like to be dumped. Yet people act so shocked when someone is crying over a loved one, acting holier-than-thou, pretending like they’ve never been hurt themselves.
If you’re the dumper, though, you need to have some tact and etiquette yourself. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the following situations, whether it be told to me or told to my friends. One way or the other, I’m tired of people treating their loved ones like pieces of dirt between their toes. So, if you are planning on breaking up with someone who is in love with you, please avoid the following situations:
#4 Don’t Compliment My Looks
If you are meeting at a restaurant, the first thing you do when you sit down should not be to tell the person you’re about to dump how good they look. If they don’t think the breakup is about to occur, it makes the blow a lot harder when you actually tell them that it’s over. By giving them the impression that you like what they look like, you are in turn telling them that you are still interested in them. Then, when the blow comes, you can’t be surprised if they take it the wrong way. Why you may ask yourself? Because in their mind, you are already excited to see them, you enjoy being around them, and they are already preoccupied with how good they think you look. If you are truly over this situation, this relationship, you should not tell the person how good they look. Even if you think that for real, keep that comment to yourself if you want to avoid a dramatic situation. Not every dumpee knows how to handle themselves in public, so if you’re going to embarrass them by doing it where other people might see it, you need to soften the blow as much as you can.
#3 This Isn’t Easy For Me
Why would you ever say something like that to someone you are breaking up with? Especially if you show no emotion when you’re actually breaking up with them. This one, however, is tricky. If you show too much emotion, they’re going to wonder why you’re doing this in the first place. “If this is difficult, why can’t we work it out?” “If this is so hard for you, why are you doing this?” These are the kind of questions you may encounter if you show too much emotion when you tell someone it is difficult for you to dump them. On the flip side, though, if you are devoid of emotion the entire time you’re breaking up with someone, it makes you look as though you truly don’t care and that you are only telling them it hurts because you think that’s what they want to hear. That’s not fair to either party. By telling them you are hurt by this situation, you are leaving it open for them to try and come back and work things out with you later. If your ultimate goal is to make them have a distaste for you after the breakup, the best option is to confirm that it is easy for you. Even if that is not the truth, you’re giving them a sense of closure because if they think it’s so easy for you to let them go, it’s a lot easier for them to in turn let you go. If them never coming back into your life is what you want, as much as it sucks, you have to make yourself the bad guy because you don’t want to give them any reason to ever come back.
#2. I Care Deeply For You; You’re So Amazing
Who in their right mind says this to somebody they are dumping? If you care so deeply, and I am so amazing, why can’t we work out? I’ve asked this before, I know my friends have asked this before, and I know this is one of the most commonly told lies during a breakup. (Although I do think most of what is told during a breakup is a lie, but maybe that’s just my personal experiences.) This stems back to what I was just saying about the breakup being easy for you. Avoid telling them anything you think they might want to hear, because that in turn makes everything so much harder. If you drive the point in that you are finished, you are done, there is no returning to this relationship ever, they will find a way to move on much faster than if they keep these “Why?” questions predominate. That’s probably the worst thing that you could do to somebody you’re dumping. Leave them with a bunch of questions asking why it has to be like this. If you don’t tell them anything that they want to hear, and you just emphasize how over it is, of course they’re still going to be left with why questions, but they won’t revolve around the breakup. Don’t tell them that you care. Don’t act like the martyr. Don’t lead them on any more than you already have. Just end it.
#1 I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You
This is probably the worst thing you could ever say to anyone ever. I know, personally, I don’t want to hear this. If you’ve been dating for a while, and you’re telling them that you love them on some level, yet you’re dumping them, that hurts more than anything else in the world. This roots from everything I have said up to this point. As much as it sucks for you, you need to be the bad guy. Don’t give them an ultimatum, telling them you still want to be friends, and that you can go back to the way things were before you dated, and then blame them when they leave. “I gave you the option of sticking around, and you chose to leave.” No. You don’t get that right. If you want it to be done, it’s your decision, not anyone else’s. Don’t tell them that you love them. Don’t tell them that you care for them. Don’t compliment them at all. End it. Probably one of the things that irritates me the most about going through breakups or hearing about breakups, is hearing that the dumper is trying to blame you. There is no need to make it hurt anymore than it already does, and when it is obvious that you’re the one who wanted to be done, don’t hurt them by blaming them.
I understand every breakup is different. I understand sometimes the dumper has a right to dump the dumpee. Sometimes the dumpee is crazy. I get that. But most of the time, the dumpee goes in blindsided, and it isn’t fair for you to hurt them any more than you’re already going to. I’m tired of seeing people hurt from breakups. Love dies these days because no one wants to put any effort into making things work. One way or another, don’t blame someone else for your problems and insecurities.
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