Life Before Facebook

What a concept, right? Does anyone even remember what this is like?

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Facebook. It’s the easiest way to keep up with everyone. Seeing as how the earth’s population likes to grow exponentially, more people start to interact with more people. Humanity is the craziest math problem ever. Almost worse than PI. There’s no end. Think about that for a second.

Anyway, let’s talk about Facebook taking over the world. Does anyone remember MySpace? I thought they were on the fast track to global domination. Then Facebook came along. What’s MySpace? Tom even left that company. I check mine once every year or so. It’s still a good place to share new music and such, but the social aspect including “friends” and “comments” and “bulletins”… I already feel like that’s ancient history. It hasn’t even been a decade since social sites started taking over, and they’re already becoming verbs.

Seriously.

I remember the “verb” commercials. “Verb. It’s what you do.” Facebooking is a verb. It hasn’t officially been added to the dictionary yet, but “Googled” was recently added, so it’s only a matter of time.

Facebooking. It’s what we do.

Do you ever think about how many fights start because of Facebook? Especially over statuses, both written for updates and relationship status. Ay yai. Relationship statuses are the worst! I have friends who don’t like each other anymore because one of them told Facebook they were in a relationship first. I’ve even gotten upset about it before. Or they’ll use the “Such and such has gone from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single'” to either break up with their partner or to make a point. Are you kidding me? Not to mention the fact no one believes you’re in a relationship until it’s “Facebook official.”

“Oh, you two are together? Are you going to make it official on Facebook?”

I legitimately know people who, for birthday or anniversary or special presents, give their partner the acceptance of publicizing their relationship on Facebook. And I’ve seen the partner cry in happiness. More than once.

Is this real life? Facebook is worse than a trashy celebrity tabloid when it comes to make-ups and break-ups. (I would like to state that I don’t mind people changing their statuses to single and in a relationship and all that, it’s just these minor additions mentioned here that I think are silly. So. So very silly.)

It’s petty, sure, but at the same time the act of social sites does take away from humanization. It lacks person-ability. What I mean by that is people post generic things they want everyone to know, especially the “friends” who are following them. But what happened to actually telling your friends things you didn’t want anyone else to know? (Ha! Gone are those days. If you don’t post it, they will!)

Something that really bugs me about Facebook is when people get mad at you for seeing what they post and calling them out on it. This stems back to fights over Facebook. Say, hypothetically, you ask a friend if they want to hang out with you for the evening. They tell you they’re sick, or they’re working, or they’re babysitting their grandma’s poodle, whatever excuse it is they give you…Then you pop open your computer (or, let’s be a little more modern, you click the app on your smartphone) and the first thing that pops up in your news feed is that same friend tagging themselves with another friend at the movies, or a bar, or a restaurant, etc… Obviously upset, you re-text that person and ask them why they lied. Their response?

“Why are you stalking me on Facebook?”

……..

Dude.
Dude.

DUDE.

I don’t have patience for that kind of thing. I let them know what’s up. Don’t post what you don’t want the entire world knowing. (Side note: also, don’t pretend like you don’t Facebook stalk. Everyone with a Facebook does it. I digress.)

I also think Facebook subconsciously knows things like that. Whenever you’re fighting with a person, their statuses that can easily be about you and your stupidity always seem to pop up first in the feed. My favorite is when it will say “7 hours ago” and the next post was “5 minutes ago.” Why did the 7-hour-old post (that was arguably said about me) come up before the 5-minute-old post (that was not about me, but equally as interesting)? Facebook knows what’s up. They like to stir the pot.

News travels fast. Everyone knows that. Facebook is worse than a restaurant that went through 4 years of high school and 6 years of college when it comes to gossip, rumors, real news, etc… I swear you can’t even sneeze without everyone knowing about it.

“Haha, Andrew just sneezed and shot boogers out of his nose!”

That’s the first thing that pops up in your feed when you sign on, and underneath there’s 34 likes. (That didn’t actually happen to me, but you know what I mean.)

Then you go to work or class or out to wherever the next day and someone makes some comment like —

“Got tissues?”

And then they all laugh like it’s an inside joke. Then you have to feel embarrassed about sneezing, just because Facebook users like to take things waaaay out of context.

Facebook isn’t a totally bad place, if people use it for what it’s for; i.e., keeping in touch with old friends. It’s also really good for making business pages and such in order to market yourself. I just don’t want some Facer-haters out there coming at me sideways for talking smack on Facebook, because as I said at the beginning of this post…I love me some Facebook.

I bet you’re wondering what happened on Facebook that spawned this little vent, eh?

Too bad.

PS, when will Facebook stop being so stubborn and just add a stupid dislike button so people can stop sending me requests for it? Can I get an Amen?

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